About Narcissist's Enablers and Why They are
Guilty
Updated on May 12, 2016
What is Narcissism?
Malignant narcissism is a personality disorder, characterized by a flagrant disregard for the rights of others and a compulsion to inflict torment.
Malignant narcissism is always fuelled by pathological envy of the targeted scapegoat.
Narcissistic individuals abuse those around them. In a group setting, such as a family, they typically select one person at a time for an extreme and intense form of emotional warfare. Social scientists call this "narcissistic abuse."
They are consummate and skillful liars. By spreading false stories about their target, they are able to win people to their camp. One characteristic of this personality disorder is apparent lack of conscience or remorse. Narcissists also have a difficult time with accountability — if they are confronted about their behavior, they will generally fly into a rage.
Psychologists believe that narcissism is a permanent, incurable condition wrought out be moral degeneration by CHOICE..
The Role of the Enablers
There'd be no such thing as narcissistic abuse if it weren't for the enablers. These are the folks who sit on the sidelines and watch someone else being whipped. They could step in and demand that it stop. They have the power to do so. All it takes is for one or two courageous souls to say "No, this is not okay."
But, for various reasons, enablers elect to remain "neutral", saying such platitudes as, "Get over it. Move on. Forgive & Forget." or selfishly trying to rationalize their apathy by stating,"Well,since your abuser didn't abuse ME ,so long as I'M fine,that's all that matters. I don't care if you that you were abused; doesn't affect ME. I'm staying out of it & shall continue to consort with your abuser ". In enabler's mind, the scapegoat's supposed to be 'understanding' & 'fine' of the enabler's silent condoning, approval & blatant lack of concern for injustice done unto another so long as HE's fine.
The enabler plays Judas to remain in favorable-standing with the abuser (not to mention securing his place in The Will)"
The narcissist depends upon these weak-willed comrades. Abusing someone isn't any fun if it's only a party of two. With a crowd, there's unlimited potential for drama. The narcissist can pull a lot more strings that way.
If it were just the abuser and her target, it wouldn't be worth it to carry out a full-fledged hate campaign. So, the narcissist works to get others to turn on the target. The collective betrayal, which comes from the camp of these enablers, is even more devastating than the primary source of abuse.
Targets — especially if this happens at work or in a social setting — watch as the people they thought were their friends slink away as the battle intensifies.
Not taking a stand to stop someone from being hurt doesn't absolve you of guilt. On the contrary, you become complicit; an active participant, whether you consider yourself one or not.
Some Golden Child enablers (often narcissists themselves) even take it a step beyond, by switching from idling in neutral to all-out support of the morally disordered person. They may even turn into "flying monkeys" who are the narcissist's lackeys; elected to act as Appointed Family Spy to 'keep an eye on' the scapegoat & dangle paltry sums of money, feign 'assisting' or 'concern' in order to fulfill their narcissist-appointed Mission to inform, control, manipulate & carry out small attacks in order to stay on the bully's good side.
When confronted with accusation of this reality, enablers flat-out deny it, feign outrage then, immediately issue the passive-aggressive Silent Treatment to 'punish' to enlightened scapegoat for exposing the truth (as ordered by narcissist).
When confronted with accusation of this reality, enablers flat-out deny it, feign outrage then, immediately issue the passive-aggressive Silent Treatment to 'punish' to enlightened scapegoat for exposing the truth (as ordered by narcissist).
Enablers are Not Innocent
Narcissistic enablers are guilty | Source
Why People Become Enablers
- Most enablers likely act out of weakness rather than malice. However, this doesn't excuse them. That's because enablers have a lot of power. The abuser relies upon them not to back up the target. Before any attacks begin, a morally disordered person will carefully plan the battle. This can take months to even years before direct hits are launched.
- Warfare begins only if it's clear that there's an excellent chance of decimating a target. If there's a solid support system, the abuser won't make a move. This means the enablers are the variable, which can either make or break a plan. The narcissist knows this, which is why so much effort is put into creating chaos and confusion. This makes it easier for the enablers to rationalize their position. They may even begin to believe the target is getting the treatment she deserves, and that she did something to warrant the narcissist's extreme reaction.
Motivated by Self Interest
Enablers are guided by self interest. So, they choose not to help the victim.
- In a Family setting, an enabler brother will worry about his own social standing. He doesn't want to be the next victim. He also wants to ensure he's left in the will and that he & his children aren't ostracized by the narc.
- Narcissists are serial abusers. Once they eliminate one person, they find someone else to kick around. This is the unspoken threat that keeps shallow, weak, apathetic enablers in line. The fear of ending up as a target is palpable and overriding.
Onlookers are Afraid of the Bully
Enablers are like stupid sheep. | Source
- The target receives no help. When an attack is carried out at work, it's a very rare individual who'll risk their job to defend a target. However, this is understandable considering that livelihoods are at stake. Although we are still called to do the right thing, putting up resistance could get you into trouble, while not doing anything can also be hazardous to your job.
- The target ends up leaving. Workplace bullies attack with the aim of driving their target into the unemployment line. Usually they succeed. About 75 percent of the time, someone who's bullied at work moves on. This happens either because they are fired, due to trumped up charges, or they voluntarily resign.
- Then, the attacker moves on to the next. Malignant narcissists operate on the same principle as serial killers — they are angry, bloodthirsty creatures who need fresh prey. Once the target leaves, they start hunting for another. This person is often chosen from their pool of enablers. In an especially ironic twist, a "flying monkey" may even find herself on the receiving end of a narcissist's wrath.
Narcissists are Seething with Rage
Enablers empower the narcissist. | Source
Why People Fall for the Lies
Some enablers don't help because they have swallowed the stories concocted by the narcissist. But this doesn't entirely let them off the hook, because we're not supposed to listen to gossip in the first place. If someone is painted in an unflattering light, we should stop the conversation and insert a kind word on that person's behalf. It appears as if an enabler neglects this important step. Instead, they listen to the falsehoods being spread.
The fact that some people believe these tales says little about your character, but volumes about theirs. First, because they listen to gossip, they encourage this vice. They provide a comfortable ear for the tale-bearer. They also suspend their ability to think critically, and to form their own opinions about someone. This is why enablers are not so innocent. They've made a choice to support the abuse, even if they don't see it that way.
Suggested Alternative Behavior
| Stand by the Target | Confront the Perpetrator | End the Gossip |
|---|---|---|
Refusing to go along with the plan. If someone is mistreated or excluded, a true friend will work to rectify the situation.
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Let a bully know that his/her bad behavior hasn't gone unnoticed should help reign in the abuse. Bullies rely upon lack of social sanctions.
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Refuting the lies you hear frees you from the compromising position of being an enabler.
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How to Support the Target
Targets often make the mistake the thinking that the enablers are their friends. However, true friends won't tolerate their buddy being mistreated. They will find a way to defend them, even if it means they take a personal risk. It's understandable that a workplace colleague wants to protect his or her position.
There are still ways to support a friend who's under fire:
- You can walk away, or issue a strong defensive statement, when the trash talk begins. This sends a loud message that you're not going along with the program.
- Or, if everyone is going out for drinks after work, and the target doesn't receive an invitation, a true friend will also decline. Anything else means lending your acceptance.
65 comments
suzettenaples 2 years ago from Taos, NM
As the saying goes, "If you are not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem." Enablers need to hear this and I agree with what you have to say in this article.
